Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Real Men (and Women) of Genius

In the summer months, I do a major amount of my training on the road. It's just easier to roll out of my driveway for a good 2-3 hour ride than it is to load up, head to the trails and only get to ride for an hour or two. Road riding will never replace mountain biking, it is a means to an end. I do enjoy it though and having a road bike in the stable just gives me depth to my cycling as it offers a chance to deal with certain obstacles I will never see on the trail.

I call 'em "Real Men (and Women) of Genius".

East Tennessee, Southwest Virginia and Western NC is full of these morons that own cars, some of which also mistakenly believe they own the particular road that we may meet on. The first one is "Mr Lane Hog".

Mr Lane Hog usually has a big SUV or huge diesel truck, the latter usually has lotsa chrome and those big plastic bull balls hanging from the trailer hitch (dunno what statement that makes, maybe if you can't have a set of your own, hang some from your truck). Mr Lane Hog doesn't let a little bicycle with some lycra wearing sissy get in his way, hell no. He sees the bike and blows past with little or no concern as to how close his west coast mirror comes to knocking someone out.

Next is Buzz Jr and his posse. Buzz typically has 60% of his cars value tied up in a huge-ass muffler, wheels and stereo. He travels with his homies and they all hunker down in the car until all you see is the tops of their heads. Looks kinda like a car full of Prairie Dogs. You can always hear the thump of the latest Hip-Hop or whatever all the other posers are listening to and then as they blow past in Mr Lane Hog fashion, you hear the deafening drone of their wimpy 4 cylinder rice-burning power plant churning out 110 horses to the tune of a Cessna. Every now and then one of Buzz's gimps will lob a bottle or some other projectile out the window. Fortunately, Buzz and co have notoriously bad aim. I have never had one get closer than 30 feet from me.

Finally we come to Mr Neverpass. I love Mr Neverpass. You know they are there behind you, backing up traffic for miles, pissing off all the other drivers behind them all because they can't bring themselves to pass you. Older people, people with poor depth perception and cycling groupies all fall into this category. The ones that genuinely have compassion for bikes and are trying to wait until it is safe to pass also are here and I appreciate their concern. It's the others that worry me. Are they searching the back seat for that piece of 2X4 to swing at me? Did they drop the bottle that they were about to toss or are they just taking time to aim. Maybe they are just taking time to admire my lycra-covered ass, honed to near perfection from thousands of miles of saddle time (in some cases that is acceptable, in others, downright scary). Who knows. For whatever reason Mr Neverpass has to not pass me, he/she usually compounds their folly by doing something really stupid like passing on a blind corner or at the crest of a hill.

So to all of you morons, I tip my cycling cap to you and loft my water bottle high in your honor.

1 comment:

Hmmm.... said...

That is awesome. I am one of the concerned never pass people....at least until it's safe or I'm not texting, emailing, or talking on my phone! :) Or possibly taking a pic of you on my phone to send out to everyone I know....esp in the lycra!

:) Funny post...thanks